So I haven’t written anything since January. I knew that I wouldn’t post every week but 9 months? Way to go Jamie! And yes, it’s just a coincidence that it’s been 9 months since I last posted. It’s been a busy year. February and March were filled with work. I tried really hard to succeed at my new job, even shelled out precious moolah to go to a conference in Las Vegas. I had so many meetings that I didn’t see anything but my hotel room, the conference room and the airport. Anyways it didn’t work out and by April I was depressed. Majorly. Anyways a week later I found out the UTI that just wouldn’t go away was masking the fact that I was pregnant. By the time I figured this all out, tested and went to the doctor, I had been spotting for 2 weeks and having another miscarriage. Cue major depression.
Did I mention that the hubby got accepted into a great training program and we had to move to a new town at the end of the same month? And he had to start work two weeks before we could move so a week after the miscarriage he was living on my brother’s couch, while I packed up and arranged the move. April sucked. A LOT. Anyways, May and June I spent slowly getting the house in order and coming out of the depression and getting a routine established. I found a therapist and decided it was time to find a part time job.
In July I was lucky and was hired by a great company to work in their kitchens and two weeks into the job I started having panic attacks when I had to go in for my shift and had to quit. For two weeks I was on the edge and felt like anything could spark another panic attack. Which I had two more. August was better. Everything started to feel better. I did an arm work out challenge and completed it. It inspired me to find a weight lifting program which I started on the first of September. It’s 3 months long and I’m excited, I love it and I can’t wait to show off my new found strength. My therapist thinks it’s time that I start thinking about finding a job again so we’ll see how that goes. I would like to get on through out the next week and go into detail about some of the things I just mentioned and but for now I thought an overview would be best.
Hey! How are you? I’m doing great! I haven’t posted again because there isn’t really anything to say. The drama has been surprisingly absent. I’m still feeling super positive which is just great! I started training at my new job with Federal financial Group on Thursday and spent 3 days visiting family and friends all over the state of Nebraska helping them get some of their finances in order and mainly helping get a retirement savings set up. I was so exhausted by Saturday night, that yesterday was just a lazy stay in bed day. I read some and watched a couple of movies with the hubby. It was nice. But now it’s Monday and time to get back to work. I have lots to do this week. First of which is some of the cleaning that I haven’t been able to get to for the past few days and then my work out! Which I’m happy to say that I was able to squeeze a bit in everyday even though I was not able to eat the greatest since we were living off of fast food. Some of those salads aren’t that great. Oh! A bit of excitement this weekend, We’re going to Las Vegas next month for a conference! The first night is a formal dinner so I’m going to try really hard to lose 10-15 lbs by then. That’ll be a great start and extra motivation to my weight loss. They say just losing 10 lbs can help fertility right? Hope you have a wonderful day!
So I haven’t been on in a week even though I’d like to put up at least two a week, but hey busy weeks happen.
I’ve been getting ready to actually start my new job. So far for almost two months I’ve been doing online training but now it’s time to start training with my manager in person and she’s coming to me. Which is really nice. So been busy setting up for that and I’ve been working on a daily routine of taking care of the house, my work, my hubby and myself. I’ve been ignoring those negative voices that try to tell me I’m a failure because I didn’t get everything on my list done and instead I’m listening to the positive voices that point out everything that I did do. Not everyday has been as awesome as last monday but little by little things are getting done and becoming habits. Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps.
One of the big things I accomplished last week was a Three Day Detox which I’ve been interested in trying for a while now. I even managed to talk the hubby into doing it too! We spent three days eating nothing but veggies and some fruit and nuts. And we didn’t kill each other! I was expecting to be super moody but I wasn’t. Aside from some tiny headaches it was nice. I feel so empowered to take charge and change my eating habits now. I honestly didn’t think it was possible. That I have that control, but these three days showed me I could. I LOVE the green smoothies and I’m now drinking one of those for my lunches instead of a slim-fast. I’ve lost 5 lbs and truly believe now that I can lose all the weight I want too. I’m adding a little bit of movement to my day where ever I can, for example yesterday I turned on my pedometer and marched in place while folding the laundry. In those 22 mins I burn 101 calories.
I’m just feeling so good right now and I think it’s because I have stuff to do, to focus on that will help us ttc but isn’t directly related. We’re working on getting our bodies, home and finances healthy and in a few months we’ll be seeing a huge difference!
It’s nine o’clock on a monday morning and I:
Fixed and ate a healthy omelet
Put away last night’s dishes
Washed, Dried and Put away this morning’s dishes
Wiped down my kitchen
Put away laundry
Made the bed
vacuumed the whole house including furniture and bed spread (cursed the cats)
Wiped down all light switches and door knobs
Did a 35 min workout
Showered and Dressed
Wiped down toilet and bathroom sink
So amiawesome.com, Am I Awesome?
That’s what I thought.
When baby fever spikes, why does it completely consume my thoughts/emotions? I go through highs and lows, where during a low I’m a completely normal human being and occasionally I’ll think about babies but it’s just a fleeting stab of desire and I’m good and then a spike occurs and for days or weeks and sometimes months almost every hour is filled with an aching need, grief over my losses, constant debate and analysis of current cycle, anger/jealousy over every pregnant friend/stranger or even those with children, and obsessive web browsing of anything ttc related. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place and I can not think of anything else. Maybe it stems from not being able to do anything about it. I must always have a plan and I must always put plans into action but there isn’t really anything I could do besides just wait and hope.
I’ve been waiting and hoping that this cycle might be the one. I’ve reached the 52 day mark and I keep putting off starting back on bc. Just hoping (even poas a few days ago and BFN of course). I know that it’ll be better for me, my daily migraines would go away, and I blame baby fever for taking over the reasonable part of me. The baby fever is starting to go down again and I’m becoming more normal, able to think and act rationally. I do have a plan and now is the time to put it into action.
Sorry for the extra rambly-ness. So much in my head right now.
There’s this superstition I’ve followed since I was a teen, if you say “Rabbit. Rabbit.” when you wake up on the first of the month, you’ll have good luck for the month. Most of the time I forget and usually get a laugh from the hubby when I suddenly exclaim “Damn it! Rabbit, Rabbit!” halfway through breakfast, but I always remember on New Years Day. I figure it must be extra lucky if it’s on the first day of a new year. It hasn’t brought me any extra luck through the years but maybe 2013 will be the one, not only for me but for so many others out there. So Happy New Year to you all and Rabbit Rabbit!
Oh Dear. It’s been a week since I last posted. I was hoping to do more but I’ve been really busy with Christmas, which I’m happy to announce that I survived yet another year mostly undamaged. The hubby and I even took yesterday and today to put away all the decorations, instead of the usual waiting until the middle of January. Go Us! I’m feeling really pumped up right now. I’ve accomplished so much the past two days, getting the house cleaned up from the holidays and getting my routine back on track. All month I’ve been very unproductive and procrastinated and well lazy. I’ve been feeling down and just didn’t get into the spirit of the holidays with my usual gusto. I’ve been really feeling the loss of the recent miscarriage and add that to the usual worries and stress of the holidays, I’ve been a mess. But I survived and right now I’m good. I’m feeling super and have my old optimism back. I have the house looking better, I’ve got a new workout outfit that has encouraged me to get that workout in and I feel like this is the end of my negative mood. I can’t wait for New Years next week because I’m ready for 2013 and feel like it’s going to be my year!
Life has continued on the hard side. Migraines and over emotional-ness have dominated my week so far. Another Facebook friend has announced her pregnancy and since I honestly don’t know/remember who she is, I’m allowing myself to be evil Jamie and direct most of my feelings of jealousy, rage, and unfairness (she already has two) at her. Is that really nice? No. But right now I don’t have the ability to be sincerely happy for her. It’s not like I’m actually saying anything to her. I’m just letting myself feel and think stuff I usually bury, but I do feel a bit guilty that she is unfairly getting the brunt of my evil thoughts just because I don’t really know her. But it works. I might wake up in a better place tomorrow and find sincere joy for her, but for today and probably every major announcement of the pregnancy, my jealousy has a free rein.
I think for most women TTC it’s difficult not to feel jealousy or a sense of unfairness when we see/hear of a pregnant woman. Whether it’s your best friend, sister-in-law, or stranger in line at the workplace cafeteria, any one of them or most likely all of them will trigger these emotions to some degree. And I think it’s even worse for those of us with infertility issues. I get upset some times at my body for letting me down, I get jealous that it’s so easy for all of my friends and I truly wish that I was normal. As a child I felt kinda special, I was normal but a little different. As a teenager I began to recognize my physical limitations and at times may have been frustrated but mostly I embraced them. They became running jokes with my friends.(“Don’t walk on Jamie’s right side!” or “You’re/I’m very observant for only having one eye!”) I’ve never wanted to be normal until three years ago. I don’t feel quite so special anymore, I just want to be able to make babies, women’s bodies are supposed to be able to do that right?
I even feel different in the TTC community, my issue is rare, it’s different from anyone else’s, there are women with hormone issues and my case is being treated like those but I feel different from them. I isolate myself some because I think my struggle isn’t as valid as these other women’s I come across. I know exactly why my body is letting me down and I knew from the very beginning what I need to do. I don’t temp or try to pinpoint ovulation because that’s a waste of time, money and energy in my case. And although my TTC journey began 3 years ago we’ve only actively tried about 6 mos. Add in the fact that with all my odds I’ve had two pregnancies (even though they barely developed), I just don’t feel like I have a right to complain. I just want to say that this comes from me and my brain and the possible inferiority complex I have or something like that and not from anything anyone has ever said to me. Most ignore my comments, because they don’t really know me, and several are very sweet and supportive. I don’t comment on others post much partly because I don’t feel like I have the experience to be valid and helpful. My miscarriages are very valid and I’m working on getting past this mindset and opening up more about my infertility to my group and my friends and family. My journey is a little different but it’s always been that way, that mountain in front of me may look like a hill to some one else but I’m the one that has to climb it. Great Pep talk Jamie! Ok. So this got a little off subject and long. Sorry. Thanks for reading and Happy Wednesday to you!
Random-ness: Jealousy is called the green-eyed monster and when ever I hear that I don’t picture a ugly beast that must be slain, I always picture a gorgeous woman in a bright red dress and matching lip-stick, black hair, and brilliant green eyes, she’s not ugly but the emotion certainly can be.
One Christmas down, 2 to go! I had a wonderful time with the in-laws, as always, I just felt bad that I didn’t really participate. I had a terrible migraine and in the rush of packing and leaving Saturday, I forgot my medication. So I was a quiet observer this year. Now to make it through my families’ get together. But I have a whole week until then and lots of presents to finish making and to wrap! I feel like there’s so much to do and not enough time! I guess just take it one day at a time right now to get through it all. That and a list or two!
So yesterday was a rough one. Hormones were running high and had me depressed and over-emotional way before news of the shooting. After that I was quite a mess for the rest of the day. I needed a good pick me up and nothing could be better than my favorite movie of all time which is also a Holiday Classic: White Christmas. What could be more delightful than the glow of the Christmas tree and sipping on hot chocolate while listening to Bing and Rosemary sing and Danny and Vera-Ellen dance? Well my second feature of the evening came very close, The Muppet’s Christmas Carol. What sadness can’t be lessened by Kermit the Frog singing about Christmas?
This morning I’m still a bit on the hormonal side but I can recognize that it’s just really bad PMS and AF is going to be a super witch this visit. It would be amazing to have this cycle end in a bfp but it’s almost as amazing to have a 28 day cycle. The bad side is in a few hours I’ll be headed to my in-laws for Christmas. Not a good time to have crazy emotional PMS, where I’ll be just as likely to want scream as to cry.
I always say that I won the in-law lottery because seriously they must be the most wonderful parents in the world, but since it’s Christmas my hubby’s grandmother will be there as well and I’ll have to deal with the baby question. Last time I saw her, the first thing she said was “Well are you or aren’t you?” So yeah. Not looking forward to that while I’m all PMSy. Wish me luck!